Magical Formula

Dear stressed out self of the future:

I totally know how you are feeling right now. I was grading until 3am last night and woke up again at 5am to finish said grades for my 7:40am deadline. I'm so far behind on grad school that I'm afraid I may not graduate, and I have no idea how I'm teaching the next unit.

Yes, spring break officially started an hour ago but I don't get to take advantage of that. I have a softball game that is 45 min away and coming back, with the oh so lovely traffic, will cause my spring break to start around 7pm tonight.

Did I mention I also have only 9 players for today's game?

You may be wondering why I'm writing this since all it seems like is a pity party.


That is exactly why I'm writing it.


Seriously future self, you're so stressed that you just want to curl up and cry because of the exhaustion and never ending load of work. You feel like you never have time for yourself because when you do take a night off from grading/planning/prepping to cope with the one year anniversary of a friend's death, you actually end up feeling worse because you ended up not being prepared for work the next day and end up in a frazzle.

People are going to tell you that you assign too much work or that you can't let the little things get to you or that it isn't the end of the world.

Future self, screw them.


Every assignment you give to your students is designed as part of a larger purpose. Those assignments should be graded because if you don't grade, your underclassmen will fail since their paper writing isn't developed enough yet. You also can't "go easy" on them when it comes to paper writing because they won't become better writers that way.

You know it isn't the end of the world and you know that you should let the little things go. However, you also know you have ADHD which makes these things nearly impossible to do. You struggle to remain focused which leads to disorganization which then leads to guilt and anxiety because your failings are hurting your students. You then get frustrated when no one believes you because "ADHD is a kid thing" and "everyone now has ADHD." You feel alone and isolated because no one can seem to comprehend that you actually want to let the little things go but doing so makes you think that you have completely failed.

Future self, I wish that I could tell you I have it all figured out. That I know how to get out of the hole you're in and not make your job consume your life. I wish I knew how to be an effective teacher without having to give up so much of my time that I don't feel like I can ever relax again.

I honestly don't know what to do or say to you.

So why do I write this future self?


I write it because I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm where you are now. I know how you feel and although I'm talking to myself, it is always nice to know someone else feels the same way you do.


Now future self, I must go and see if I can find this magical formula to combat this overwhelming stress.

Hopefully, I can give you an answer soon.


Sincerely,

Your past self

Believing in Angels

I have freshmen essays to grade and the new season of House of Cards is calling my name.* In an effort to remain productive in someway, I have decided to write a blog post.

I could continue on why life isn't fair but, as I've learned over the last year, one of the best ways not to fall into a deep vortex of life sucking is to find positive things.

Last night, my boyfriend and I were watching a stand up comedian named Matt Braunger. Like most comedians, he was talking about how he has been going through some depressing things. His way through this hard stuff is by believing in angels**. As he says, angels are "anything that makes you laugh when you don't think you can possibly laugh."

I love this term. So, I'm going to borrow it and expand it a little to include things that made me smile and give you a few angels in my life that have helped over the past week.

The 3 Angels in Dailyish Teacher's Life the Past Week

1. Hungry Hungry Hippos: Alright, I know. You may be saying to yourself "Why on Earth would a board game be your angel?" I wouldn't blame you if you did. But watch this video to see why:
   
   
   Post by Brittney Lauren.
   
   
   Okay so that video was posted by a coworker on Facebook with the caption, "Alright we need to do this at the next pep rally" and tagged over 30 teachers and admin. The best part about this is that EVERYONE was game to do it. So much so that I think we convinced the head of student life to plan it even though she is out on maternity leave. If this actually happens, I will be so pumped! Even if it doesn't happen, it still makes me laugh because of how awesome it is and how awesome the teachers/faculty are at that school for doing it. I'm so game for life size Hungry Hungry Hippo
   
2. Twitter: Again, this may seem strange but I'm very thankful for Twitter. I constantly search for my name on Twitter to see what the kids are saying about me. This may seem narcissistic but I do it for two reasons: 1) Teenagers tend to use Twitter to vent and if they are saying bad things about me then I know I'm doing something wrong and 2) If they are saying bad things about me, I can use it not to just change but to make it a lesson in digital citizenship and being aware of what is put out on the Internet. Anyway, I mentioned the other day how I wrote sympathy cards to my students. I didn't expect to hear from them at all but low and behold, when I searched my name tonight this gem popped up:
   
   
   
   I made a difference. I know it was small but to these teenagers, it meant the world which is why I do what I do.





3. Love, Teach: Oh my gosh do I love her posts. Every single one makes me either laugh out loud or go "awwww." Mostly they make me laugh out loud. Still, she is one of my angels.*** Seriously, look at these Facebook updates:
   
   
   Post by Love, Teach.
   
   
   
   
   Post by Love, Teach.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Post by Love, Teach.
   
   
   
   
   
   Post by Love, Teach.


Are you not entertained?! Seriously though, go read her blog. I promise you will love it.

It always amazes me how much social media can make my day. Without it, I would never have been able to laugh and smile this past week. Thank you Facebook and Twitter. You've been amazing.

"Loss of life is to be mourned but only if that life was wasted" ~Spock
Live Long and Prosper Leonard Nimoy

*The essays make me want to jump off a bridge at times and House of Cards kind of promotes doing that, or at least pushing someone off of it....needless to say not a good combination.

**Watch the clip. It is hilarious. Just be aware, some language is NSFW so you may not want to pull it up on your lunch break without head phones.

***Nominated for Best Education Blog for the Webblog Awards. You should go vote for her. http://2015.bloggi.es/

Not Fair

Nearly a year ago, I wrote a post about how to help teenagers through a tragedy as a teacher. This was sparked due to the death of a teacher. I have to do it all over again but this time due to the death of a student.

The student that died I did not personally have. He passed away Monday night in his sleep after going to sleep excited to drive to school for the first time on Tuesday. The cause of death is still unknown.

I am on the verge of tears. Not because of the child dying even though that is a tragedy, but because of how much pain my students are in and I can't do a damn thing about it.

There are literally zero words I can say to them that can make them feel better. I could feed them the classic lines of "he is in a better place" or "everything happens for a reason" but I know those are hollow words to the majority of teenagers right after this happens.

There is reason I constantly refer to my students as "my kids." I invest so much time, effort, and emotions into them that they may as well be my children. I want to throw them out the window because they can be so annoying at times, but in general, I love my students and want to help, protect, and inspire them to be the best human being they can be. Sometimes, I even get results.

I wrote five sympathy cards today to students that I knew were struggling. I did this because I knew that it was the only thing I could do to try and help. I let each of them know that I was there for them to talk to if they needed me because they might feel so alone which I never want for them to feel. Also, in each one I wrote the words "It sucks and it isn't fair" because it isn't.

It isn't fair that a 16 year old kid and athlete died in his sleep.

It isn't fair that my students have to feel this pain and sorrow as a teenager. You're not supposed to deal with this type of pain until you are older and know how to cope.

It isn't fair that my students have to go two years in a row with loss.

It isn't fair that life can't stop for my kids so that they can grieve.

It isn't fair that there isn't anything I can do to make them feel better.

It isn't fuckin fair.

Being a Young Teacher: A Pro/Con List

Recently, my students completed evaluations of all their teachers. After the evaluations were complete, I was able to request my results. Like the majority of evaluations from students, they said I gave "alot of work" (yes, "alot"). There was also the one random kid who either really does not like me or is not happy with their grade so they say I'm a horrible teacher.

Over the course of four years, I have learned to ignore these types of reviews. My subject tends to have a lot more "work" because they have reading and when 99%* of the reviews say they strongly agree or agree, then I know I can ignore the one that puts "strongly disagree" for everything.

The rankings were nice but the really telling part were the comments. When I first began to read them, I was loving them. They made me smile and sail on cloud 9.

My freshmen talked mostly about my instructional ability:

"Ms. **** is supportive, educated, and hardworking."
"She knows how to help someone get something if they don't get it"
"makes class less stressful keeps class on track"
"She is good at giving us helpful study guides and preparing us for tests. She assigns helpful homework that helps us to learn the course material"
"Knows how to make class fun"
"I don't think that I would have understood anything if she did not explain it the way she did."

My sophomores did the same but I am apparently making a bigger impact with them beyond the classroom. I put any of  the lines that really got to me from longer comments in bold.

"Ms. ***** is my favorite teacher because she keeps it real and is so understanding. She makes sure that the student is comfortable with what they're doing and is willing to reach out with a helping hand. We need more teachers like that. Her humor is spot on and her music taste is out of this world. She makes me feel important."
"An iconic role-model, really."
"Constantly reminds us of the times she'd be available whether it's before or after school. Even sets apart a time for the student to sign up for a time slot for the specific assignment. Ms. **** still goes to class. How she still makes time for us, I don't know. I aspire to be like her"
"I have dreams to be a teacher and I want to be like her."
"Great role model, easy to talk to about grades and assignments, awesome and amazing"

When I first read these, I felt honored. I was helping my kids more than I realized. I was doing such a good job that they want to be like me.

As time went on, it hit me:

They want to be like me.

I am 26 years old. I barely feel like an adult.

On Instagram, I use the hashtag #adulting when I feel like I did something adult worthy like cooking dinner.  I have less than $100 in my checking account and the only reason I actually no longer have car payments is because I got in college. I'm swimming in student load debt and I routinely have boxed or canned food. I drink crappy wine and beer because I can't afford anything else. I read articles like this one from Buzzfeed and do a laugh/cry because it pretty much sums up my life. The only thing I'm 100% sure about in my life is that I'm actually in the correct career which is more than I can say for some of my friends.

And these kids look up to me.

I can't decide if being a young teacher, especially to students that are barely 10 years younger than me is a good thing or bad thing. So, I decided to make a list.

Pros of Being a Young Teacher

• I get the majority of their references which makes it easier to know if they are doing something they should not be doing.
• I can relate to them because the pop culture references I pull from are exactly the same ones they would pull from
• They feel more comfortable around me because I remind them more of an older sister than a mother
• I can still remember what it felt like being a teenager so I'm more willing to cut them some slack
• They are able to look up to me because I'm closer to their age

Cons of Being a Young Teacher

• They look up to me and I barely have my life together
• I barely have my life together
• I barely have my life together
• I barely have my life together
• If you didn't notice, I barely have my life together.

Normally, I'm able to come to some conclusion about what I'm writing about at the end of my post. This case, however, I still don't know how I feel about the kids looking up to me. I'm glad that I'm making such a positive influence on them. I love my job and the comments about what I do well validate my teaching. 

I just hope they don't put me on a pedal stool and expect me to be perfect because I'm so far from that it isn't even funny.

I just hope they know I'm not infallible.  

*This is one percentage I know for sure is correct because only 100 kids filled it out.

All About Taking Risks

I love my job and I love my school.

Why?

I have a wonderful gift of freedom to allow my creative side shine. Yes, I have to adhere to a curriculum but I do not have to give the same exact assignment as my fellow teachers.

Does this mean that my students may not focus on the same thing as the other freshmen and sophomores in another teacher's English class?

Yes

Is that a bad thing?

No.

With literature, there is so much you can teach that you have to pick and choose the larger picture part which allows for each teacher to teach what they enjoy about the readings from the curriculum and teach it how they want to teach it.

This allows me to use techniques and tools that I believe will reach out to my kids.

In the past, I have used memes, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pintrest with various degrees of success depending upon the lesson I was trying to have the students learn. Some lessons bombed and didn't do what I thought they would. Others were better than I could ever imagine.

Most recently, I have started having my students blog. With my sophomores, I had them mimic the style of the poems we were reading in class and then, in another unit, write about and reflect upon a particular theme that appears in the novel.

The poems worked fairly well but my sophomores seem to struggle with the reflection aspect. I know they are reading because they have lively discussions in class. The problem seems to be that they are afraid of writing especially when I don't tell them exactly what I want them to write.

This is a constant struggle I have with my sophomores. They are so afraid of being "wrong" that they are afraid of trying. Currently, the use of the blogs is only achieving the goal I want with only a few students.

However, I have faith that if I force them to keep with it, they will finally start to open up and reflect upon everything.

I know this because of my freshmen.

My freshmen were told to reflect upon The Odyssey as we read it in class. They started off timid; not really sure what to write. As time went on, the blog posts got better. They began to rant about Odysseus and the gods. They would try to tackle what they should have done and the motivations behind the characters actions. They well exceeded the 300 word limit and they were wonderful to read. I was (and am) so proud of them. Now, as we read Oedipus, they are much more open about debating in class. The class discussions have gotten better all because they learned to express their feelings through a blog that is not only personal but feels safe since there is no one making faces at them or giggling when they voice their opinion. They gain the confidence they needed to be able to find the excitement in English.

I can never be that teacher that does the same thing over and over and over and over again. I want to be the teacher that takes risks and is constantly trying to find new ways to reach out to their students. Not only do I want to be that teacher that takes risks, but I want other teachers to do the same.

Why?

Because if we all take risks, we'll be more willing to work together and only together can we change the things that we need to change about education.